1 00:00:02,069 --> 00:00:04,769 ♪ It seems today that all you see 2 00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:08,207 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV 3 00:00:08,275 --> 00:00:11,776 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values 4 00:00:11,845 --> 00:00:14,846 ♪ On which we used to rely? 5 00:00:14,915 --> 00:00:18,250 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy 6 00:00:18,319 --> 00:00:21,486 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do 7 00:00:21,554 --> 00:00:23,232 ♪ All the things that make us 8 00:00:23,256 --> 00:00:24,890 ♪ Laugh and cry 9 00:00:24,958 --> 00:00:29,894 ♪ He's a family guy ♪ 10 00:00:37,137 --> 00:00:39,904 Oh, I love shopping at Christmas time. 11 00:00:39,974 --> 00:00:42,574 Ugh, mall food courts are so depressing. 12 00:00:42,642 --> 00:00:45,242 You can always tell which fathers are disappointed in their sons 13 00:00:45,279 --> 00:00:48,046 because they eat lunch with their coats still on. 14 00:00:48,114 --> 00:00:49,448 How's that food, dum-dum? 15 00:00:49,516 --> 00:00:51,182 Too bad eating ain't math, 'cause then 16 00:00:51,251 --> 00:00:52,884 I'd have something to be proud of. 17 00:00:52,953 --> 00:00:54,597 I want to go live with Mom. 18 00:00:54,621 --> 00:00:56,555 I know. So do I. 19 00:00:57,591 --> 00:00:59,135 Welcome to Tommy Bahama. 20 00:00:59,159 --> 00:01:01,159 Yeah, you got anything for a poor, fat person 21 00:01:01,228 --> 00:01:03,906 who wants to look like a rich, fat person? Of course. 22 00:01:03,930 --> 00:01:05,897 Now, I'll mostly be hitting on waitresses 23 00:01:05,966 --> 00:01:08,600 who are too young and thin to ever be interested in me. 24 00:01:08,668 --> 00:01:10,902 Hitting on them in a kindly, genial way? 25 00:01:10,971 --> 00:01:14,306 No, in a threatening, creepy, I'm-joking-but-I'm-not- really-joking way. 26 00:01:14,374 --> 00:01:15,907 You have anything for that? 27 00:01:15,976 --> 00:01:19,411 Sir, what you're describing is precisely Mr. Bahama's vision. 28 00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:24,048 Tommy Bahama, five million uncles can't be wrong. 29 00:01:24,117 --> 00:01:26,662 Hey, sorry to bother you, but would you like to work here? 30 00:01:26,686 --> 00:01:27,752 Me? 31 00:01:27,821 --> 00:01:29,466 Yeah, you'd be perfect. 32 00:01:29,490 --> 00:01:32,658 All right, now let me just take off these security tags for you. 33 00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:36,594 It's a living. 34 00:01:41,701 --> 00:01:43,902 So random. 35 00:01:43,971 --> 00:01:46,004 That's a comment on us. 36 00:01:46,873 --> 00:01:48,206 Hey, check that out. 37 00:01:51,678 --> 00:01:53,578 Oh, wow. This is awesome! 38 00:01:53,647 --> 00:01:56,807 You know Jeff Garlin has one of these in his house. 39 00:01:56,850 --> 00:01:59,284 Ah, I love this chair. 40 00:01:59,353 --> 00:02:02,020 Dog in a Jets jersey, get in here. 41 00:02:02,088 --> 00:02:05,657 God, I have the best basement. 42 00:02:05,726 --> 00:02:08,494 Peter, this chair costs $3,000. 43 00:02:08,562 --> 00:02:10,039 That's not so much, Lois. 44 00:02:10,063 --> 00:02:12,609 It's only infinity times what you bring home every week. 45 00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:13,698 Peter, look over there. 46 00:02:13,767 --> 00:02:15,267 Is that... Is that Jesus? 47 00:02:17,338 --> 00:02:18,970 Whoa, yeah, wow. 48 00:02:19,039 --> 00:02:20,883 It's been a while since we've seen him. 49 00:02:20,907 --> 00:02:22,374 Hey, Jesus. 50 00:02:22,442 --> 00:02:23,887 Oh, hey, guys. Hey, buddy. 51 00:02:23,911 --> 00:02:25,454 What are you doing in Quahog? 52 00:02:25,478 --> 00:02:27,257 Actually, I never left. 53 00:02:27,281 --> 00:02:28,846 Really? Why didn't you call us? 54 00:02:28,916 --> 00:02:31,682 Well, I felt kind of bad about how we left things. 55 00:02:31,751 --> 00:02:33,262 I wasn't sure you'd want to hear from me. 56 00:02:33,286 --> 00:02:34,286 Oh, that's silly. 57 00:02:34,354 --> 00:02:36,154 We could never stay mad at you. 58 00:02:36,223 --> 00:02:38,201 Yeah, I've never been one to hold grudges. 59 00:02:38,225 --> 00:02:40,959 I even forgave the man who murdered my son. 60 00:02:41,028 --> 00:02:43,228 And although I will never get over 61 00:02:43,297 --> 00:02:46,464 the pain of what you did to my son, 62 00:02:46,533 --> 00:02:49,234 I forgive you, because I believe 63 00:02:49,303 --> 00:02:52,137 you are sick and in need of help. 64 00:02:52,206 --> 00:02:54,273 Mr. Griffin, this is the Office of City Planning. 65 00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:56,975 You requested a variance to build a hot tub off your garage. 66 00:02:57,044 --> 00:02:58,088 Oh, yeah. 67 00:02:58,112 --> 00:02:59,778 Did I get it? No. 68 00:02:59,846 --> 00:03:01,146 I will kill your son! 69 00:03:01,215 --> 00:03:02,780 Your son is dead! 70 00:03:02,849 --> 00:03:04,961 I'm so glad there's no hard feelings. 71 00:03:04,985 --> 00:03:06,562 Listen, Peter, we should catch up. 72 00:03:06,586 --> 00:03:08,531 Why don't you come over to my place for a beer or something? 73 00:03:08,555 --> 00:03:09,754 Aw, that sounds great. 74 00:03:09,823 --> 00:03:11,100 Hey, you want me to pick anything up 75 00:03:11,124 --> 00:03:12,657 on the way over or no, you're good? 76 00:03:12,725 --> 00:03:13,858 Oh, uh... 77 00:03:13,927 --> 00:03:16,161 I guess we could maybe just order something. 78 00:03:16,229 --> 00:03:18,563 Yeah, I don't have any cash, but we'll figure it out. 79 00:03:23,937 --> 00:03:27,839 Hey, Peter. Come on in. Mi Casa... Uh... 80 00:03:27,908 --> 00:03:29,108 I don't know Spanish. 81 00:03:29,142 --> 00:03:30,575 Huh. 82 00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:33,511 I think half the world would be surprised to know that. 83 00:03:33,580 --> 00:03:35,013 Hey, nice place here. 84 00:03:35,082 --> 00:03:37,148 This is not too... Too... 85 00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:39,662 It's not... It's not too... Not too good. 86 00:03:39,686 --> 00:03:41,331 Yeah, I know it's nothing fancy, 87 00:03:41,355 --> 00:03:44,301 but, you know, I'm not really into material possessions. 88 00:03:44,325 --> 00:03:46,024 Geez, this place is depressing. 89 00:03:46,093 --> 00:03:48,438 Hey, how come you aren't with your family during Christmas, anyway? 90 00:03:48,462 --> 00:03:50,962 I can't deal with my family during the holidays. 91 00:03:51,031 --> 00:03:53,376 And besides, my dad always spends Christmas at his time-share 92 00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:55,600 in Coral Gables with his girlfriend. 93 00:03:56,937 --> 00:04:00,238 Great, here comes that couple with the adult disabled kid. 94 00:04:00,307 --> 00:04:01,673 Hey, can we join you? 95 00:04:01,741 --> 00:04:05,344 I'm Ken, this is Pam and this right here is Scott. 96 00:04:05,412 --> 00:04:07,723 We really want to thank you, God, for testing us. 97 00:04:07,747 --> 00:04:08,959 It's been such a blessing. 98 00:04:08,983 --> 00:04:12,617 Can't wait to see what that "bigger plan" is. 99 00:04:12,686 --> 00:04:14,219 Well, I can't tell you that. 100 00:04:14,288 --> 00:04:17,656 But the good news is, this little guy's gonna make it to 74. 101 00:04:17,725 --> 00:04:20,358 Oh, look, Jesus, you shouldn't be alone during Christmas. 102 00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:23,595 And if I remember correctly, isn't your birthday sometime soon, too? 103 00:04:23,664 --> 00:04:25,341 Ah, whatever, I'm fine. 104 00:04:25,365 --> 00:04:27,410 I'll probably just reheat some ramen and watch Grey's Anatomy. 105 00:04:27,434 --> 00:04:28,700 No way. 106 00:04:28,768 --> 00:04:31,114 I'm not gonna let my pal Jesus spend his birthday like that. 107 00:04:31,138 --> 00:04:32,337 Hey, you know what? 108 00:04:32,406 --> 00:04:34,539 I am throwing you the best birthday party ever. 109 00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:35,818 Are you sure about that? 110 00:04:35,842 --> 00:04:37,442 Yeah, I'm great at throwing parties. 111 00:04:37,511 --> 00:04:39,577 I was in charge of planning Woodstock. 112 00:04:39,647 --> 00:04:41,091 All right, guys, here's what I'm thinking, 113 00:04:41,115 --> 00:04:43,715 a whole festival of muddy boobs. 114 00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:45,729 Well, don't you want to have music? 115 00:04:45,753 --> 00:04:47,119 Oh, yeah. 116 00:04:47,187 --> 00:04:50,427 That's a good way to get those muddy boobs moving. 117 00:04:53,593 --> 00:04:56,627 All right, you guys, Jesus' birthday party is gonna be epic. 118 00:04:56,696 --> 00:04:58,441 Hey, since it's also Christmas, 119 00:04:58,465 --> 00:05:00,176 maybe we could make it, like, a Christmas theme. 120 00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:01,577 What about Secret Santa? 121 00:05:01,601 --> 00:05:02,712 That's always fun. 122 00:05:02,736 --> 00:05:04,703 Okay, but $5 limit. 123 00:05:04,771 --> 00:05:06,371 Why don't we just say no gifts? 124 00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:08,484 Come on, guys, we don't have to make such a big thing about it. 125 00:05:08,508 --> 00:05:10,742 It's not like I'm a woman who's about to turn 30. 126 00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:12,989 You guys, I don't care what we do for my birthday, 127 00:05:13,013 --> 00:05:14,557 as long as it lasts the whole week 128 00:05:14,581 --> 00:05:17,527 and is very expensive and inconvenient for all my friends. 129 00:05:17,551 --> 00:05:19,262 Oh, and I'm gonna dress like a slut 130 00:05:19,286 --> 00:05:20,930 and be rude to everyone for no reason. 131 00:05:20,954 --> 00:05:22,031 But, Maya... 132 00:05:22,055 --> 00:05:23,400 I don't care that your dad's dying, 133 00:05:23,424 --> 00:05:25,664 we're all going to Montreal for the week. 134 00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:26,858 Wait, hold on. 135 00:05:26,927 --> 00:05:28,405 If we're planning a party, we haven't even 136 00:05:28,429 --> 00:05:29,939 talked about the most important thing. 137 00:05:29,963 --> 00:05:32,631 A hydration plan for people who overheat? 138 00:05:32,700 --> 00:05:34,866 It could be as simple as an ice bath. 139 00:05:34,935 --> 00:05:36,479 No, no, I'm talking about women. 140 00:05:36,503 --> 00:05:38,570 Oh, yeah, we definitely need some women there. 141 00:05:38,639 --> 00:05:40,204 Jesus, what kind of girls do you like? 142 00:05:40,273 --> 00:05:41,806 Women? Uh... 143 00:05:41,875 --> 00:05:43,474 All types, I guess. 144 00:05:43,544 --> 00:05:44,609 "All types"? 145 00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:46,244 Come on, Jesus. 146 00:05:46,312 --> 00:05:48,391 Even Martin Lawrence, when he used to dress up like Sheneneh? 147 00:05:48,415 --> 00:05:50,481 Sheneneh. 148 00:05:50,551 --> 00:05:51,928 No, you know what I mean. 149 00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:53,596 Like, uh, hot ladies. 150 00:05:53,620 --> 00:05:56,054 Horny ones who sex on you. 151 00:05:56,122 --> 00:05:57,433 What? Yeah, you know. 152 00:05:57,457 --> 00:06:01,292 They come back to your house and sit on your butt. 153 00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:03,194 Wait a minute. 154 00:06:03,263 --> 00:06:05,964 Jesus, have you ever been with a woman? 155 00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:07,265 Are you... 156 00:06:07,333 --> 00:06:08,767 Are you a virgin? 157 00:06:08,835 --> 00:06:10,769 Yeah, I am. 158 00:06:10,837 --> 00:06:12,470 How the hell does that happen? 159 00:06:12,539 --> 00:06:15,540 Well, in high school, my best friend was this hot prostitute, 160 00:06:15,609 --> 00:06:17,742 and I just kind of got into the friend zone. 161 00:06:17,811 --> 00:06:20,690 She's all like, "Oh, there's all these guys having sex with me for money." 162 00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:22,358 And I'm all like, "Oh, you deserve better." 163 00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:23,515 And then I died. 164 00:06:23,584 --> 00:06:24,983 Well, sex is overrated. 165 00:06:25,051 --> 00:06:26,051 Stay out of this, Joe. 166 00:06:26,119 --> 00:06:27,263 All right, look, forget the party. 167 00:06:27,287 --> 00:06:29,053 We got a more important mission now. 168 00:06:29,122 --> 00:06:32,991 Your 2,000-year-long cold streak is about to come to an end. 169 00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:34,593 What do you mean? 170 00:06:34,661 --> 00:06:37,829 I'm saying, Jesus, we are gonna help you lose your virginity. 171 00:06:39,332 --> 00:06:41,132 God, I love sex. 172 00:06:47,641 --> 00:06:49,118 All right, me and the guys are off 173 00:06:49,142 --> 00:06:50,520 to help Jesus lose his virginity. 174 00:06:50,544 --> 00:06:52,755 Just put it in the oven for half an hour at 350. 175 00:06:52,779 --> 00:06:54,023 What? I don't know. 176 00:06:54,047 --> 00:06:55,792 That's what you always say when you leave the house. 177 00:06:55,816 --> 00:06:57,448 Oh, Peter, just be careful. 178 00:06:57,517 --> 00:06:59,450 Losing your virginity is a big deal. 179 00:06:59,519 --> 00:07:01,953 I'm sure Jesus doesn't want some gross quickie. 180 00:07:02,022 --> 00:07:03,632 No, no, no, it's gonna be nothing like that. 181 00:07:03,656 --> 00:07:05,634 Just some random slut to maul in a bar 182 00:07:05,658 --> 00:07:07,203 back where the payphones used to be. 183 00:07:07,227 --> 00:07:09,093 Peter, that's what I'm talking about. 184 00:07:09,162 --> 00:07:10,682 You're making this whole thing crude. 185 00:07:10,730 --> 00:07:12,297 It's his first time. 186 00:07:12,365 --> 00:07:13,832 You need to be more sensitive. 187 00:07:13,900 --> 00:07:16,712 Don't worry, Lois. I swear, I'll be sensitive and gentle. 188 00:07:16,736 --> 00:07:19,470 Like the Tasmanian Devil tucking in his kids. 189 00:07:41,794 --> 00:07:43,706 All right, Jesus, these speed date nights 190 00:07:43,730 --> 00:07:45,930 are the best way to meet a lot of chicks fast. 191 00:07:45,998 --> 00:07:47,164 Now go get 'em. 192 00:07:47,234 --> 00:07:48,433 So, where do you live? 193 00:07:48,502 --> 00:07:50,213 Everywhere, all places. 194 00:07:50,237 --> 00:07:51,381 Hopefully, inside you. 195 00:07:53,206 --> 00:07:55,485 This is kind of embarrassing, but are you okay with someone who smokes? 196 00:07:55,509 --> 00:07:56,841 Oh, yeah. 197 00:07:56,910 --> 00:07:58,787 Are you okay with someone who wanders the desert, 198 00:07:58,811 --> 00:08:00,823 lecturing people on how to act? 199 00:08:00,847 --> 00:08:02,713 So, are you having a good Friday? 200 00:08:02,782 --> 00:08:04,060 Oh, is that supposed to be funny? 201 00:08:04,084 --> 00:08:05,861 Shut your mouth, bitch. 202 00:08:05,885 --> 00:08:07,819 How's the wine? It's terrific. 203 00:08:07,887 --> 00:08:09,665 That's my blood, you know. 204 00:08:09,689 --> 00:08:10,722 Where are you from? 205 00:08:10,790 --> 00:08:12,750 Israel. 206 00:08:14,894 --> 00:08:16,774 All right, Jesus, nowadays, everything 207 00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:18,174 is done on the Internet, all right? 208 00:08:18,198 --> 00:08:19,775 So, we got to get you on Facebook. 209 00:08:19,799 --> 00:08:22,967 Uh, let me just close a couple of these windows. There we go. 210 00:08:23,036 --> 00:08:25,014 Sorry, I was up late last night. 211 00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:26,337 Had the house to myself. 212 00:08:26,406 --> 00:08:27,738 Sorry. Sorry. 213 00:08:27,807 --> 00:08:29,374 Lot of POV stuff. 214 00:08:29,442 --> 00:08:33,111 Yeah, I like to pretend it's mine down there what's doing all the slapping. 215 00:08:33,179 --> 00:08:35,813 Peter, how old is that girl? 216 00:08:35,882 --> 00:08:37,681 Excuse me, won't you? 217 00:09:08,348 --> 00:09:11,249 Argh! Lot of scumbags out today. 218 00:09:15,522 --> 00:09:17,655 Well, no luck getting Jesus laid yet. 219 00:09:17,724 --> 00:09:20,625 I don't get it. Jewish guys are supposed to be swimming in tail. 220 00:09:20,693 --> 00:09:24,195 Peter, Jesus is never gonna find a woman going about it your way. 221 00:09:24,264 --> 00:09:26,275 I think it's time I had a little talk with him 222 00:09:26,299 --> 00:09:28,265 so he knows what a woman really wants. 223 00:09:28,335 --> 00:09:29,945 All right, knock yourself out. 224 00:09:29,969 --> 00:09:31,803 Don't look, don't look, don't look. 225 00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:40,478 Jesus, I asked you to lunch because I think you've been getting bad advice 226 00:09:40,546 --> 00:09:42,480 about finding a special someone. 227 00:09:42,548 --> 00:09:44,060 Well, Peter's been doing his best, 228 00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:45,828 but lately he seems more focused 229 00:09:45,852 --> 00:09:48,319 on marketing his erotic Advent calendar. 230 00:09:48,388 --> 00:09:50,833 All right, kids, let's see what's under Christmas... 231 00:09:50,857 --> 00:09:53,358 Ugh! Another puckered anus. 232 00:09:53,427 --> 00:09:56,894 Look, Jesus, just forget whatever Peter's been telling you. 233 00:09:56,963 --> 00:10:01,566 You just have to be yourself and let a sweet girl see that side of you. 234 00:10:01,634 --> 00:10:03,679 Well, you're easy to talk to. 235 00:10:03,703 --> 00:10:06,082 I just get all tongue-tied with other girls. 236 00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:08,439 Plus, being myself isn't that impressive. 237 00:10:08,508 --> 00:10:09,673 What do you mean? 238 00:10:09,742 --> 00:10:12,043 You're sensitive, you died for our sins 239 00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:15,046 and ascended into heaven, and you got nice skin. 240 00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:18,582 Don't be afraid to be honest with a girl and show her who you are. 241 00:10:18,652 --> 00:10:20,317 Wow, thanks, Lois. 242 00:10:20,386 --> 00:10:23,021 That's the second-best advice anyone's ever given me. 243 00:10:23,089 --> 00:10:24,133 I don't know, man. 244 00:10:24,157 --> 00:10:26,457 Jesus "Hitler" Christ sounds weird. 245 00:10:26,526 --> 00:10:28,426 So just go with "H"? Yeah. 246 00:10:32,566 --> 00:10:34,444 All right, guys, let's not get discouraged, okay? 247 00:10:34,468 --> 00:10:37,001 We just got to be more creative about getting Jesus laid. 248 00:10:37,070 --> 00:10:39,982 I just tell folks to go down to the Happy Handy Smile Massage 249 00:10:40,006 --> 00:10:41,439 and get it over with. 250 00:10:41,508 --> 00:10:44,743 I sometimes go down there, and when they tell me I'm done, I leave. 251 00:10:44,811 --> 00:10:46,111 Hey, guys. 252 00:10:46,179 --> 00:10:48,379 Uh, Peter, can I talk to you for a sec? Sure. 253 00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:50,481 Peter, listen. 254 00:10:50,550 --> 00:10:52,561 I've found the woman who I'd like to lose my virginity to. 255 00:10:52,585 --> 00:10:54,318 It's someone who understands me 256 00:10:54,387 --> 00:10:56,020 and someone I feel very close to. 257 00:10:56,089 --> 00:10:57,966 Oh, wow. Jesus, that's great. 258 00:10:57,990 --> 00:10:59,268 Hey, is it Carrie Underwood? 259 00:10:59,292 --> 00:11:00,936 Somebody told me you guys went out once. 260 00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:01,960 Yeah, we did. 261 00:11:02,028 --> 00:11:03,661 But it was a disaster. 262 00:11:03,729 --> 00:11:05,729 Jesus, take the wheel. What? 263 00:11:05,798 --> 00:11:07,809 I want to kill these fucking cops. 264 00:11:09,970 --> 00:11:13,872 Actually, Peter, I want my first time to be with Lois. 265 00:11:13,940 --> 00:11:16,151 Lois, my partner at the law firm? 266 00:11:16,175 --> 00:11:18,008 No, Peter. It's your Lois. 267 00:11:18,077 --> 00:11:19,143 Lois Griffin. 268 00:11:19,212 --> 00:11:20,212 What? 269 00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:22,013 I am outraged. 270 00:11:22,082 --> 00:11:25,650 But probably not as outraged as the ten million Christians watching. 271 00:11:25,718 --> 00:11:27,919 Please write to this address, quickly. 272 00:11:27,988 --> 00:11:30,554 Maybe we can both stop these Hollywood Jew writers 273 00:11:30,623 --> 00:11:33,257 from wrecking my marriage and your religion. 274 00:11:39,432 --> 00:11:42,112 You want to lose your virginity to Lois? No way. 275 00:11:42,168 --> 00:11:44,201 Look, Peter, I know it's a lot to ask. 276 00:11:44,270 --> 00:11:46,403 But if it wasn't okay, I wouldn't suggest it. 277 00:11:46,472 --> 00:11:47,817 Well, you make a good point. 278 00:11:47,841 --> 00:11:49,752 But this is my wife you're talking about. 279 00:11:49,776 --> 00:11:50,909 Please, Peter? 280 00:11:50,977 --> 00:11:52,822 I just know Lois would make my first experience 281 00:11:52,846 --> 00:11:55,246 as special and memorable as it should be. 282 00:11:55,315 --> 00:11:57,115 Plus, I can make it worth your while. 283 00:11:57,184 --> 00:11:58,983 After all, I'm Jesus. 284 00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:01,052 I could give you anything you want. 285 00:12:01,121 --> 00:12:02,186 Anything? 286 00:12:02,255 --> 00:12:04,222 Like... Like anything in the universe? 287 00:12:04,291 --> 00:12:05,291 Absolutely. 288 00:12:05,358 --> 00:12:06,735 Brookstone massage chair. 289 00:12:06,759 --> 00:12:09,393 Really? Are you sure? Yep. 290 00:12:09,462 --> 00:12:11,540 Never been more sure of anything in my life. 291 00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:12,964 Well, except one thing. 292 00:12:13,032 --> 00:12:14,076 Good evening, sir. 293 00:12:14,100 --> 00:12:15,711 Would you like to hear our specials? 294 00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,068 No! Pizza! 295 00:12:21,507 --> 00:12:22,852 Let me get this straight. 296 00:12:22,876 --> 00:12:25,587 You want me to have sex with another man? 297 00:12:25,611 --> 00:12:26,971 Oh, not just any man, Lois. 298 00:12:27,013 --> 00:12:28,780 This is Jesus we're talking about. 299 00:12:28,848 --> 00:12:29,848 He's a savior. 300 00:12:29,916 --> 00:12:31,316 He could even save our marriage. 301 00:12:31,384 --> 00:12:33,662 Why? What's wrong with our marriage? 302 00:12:33,686 --> 00:12:35,219 "What's wrong with our marriage?" 303 00:12:35,288 --> 00:12:37,499 You're sitting around, talking about sleeping with other guys. 304 00:12:37,523 --> 00:12:39,501 Peter, this was your idea. 305 00:12:39,525 --> 00:12:41,192 Lois, let's not play the blame game. 306 00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:43,239 Clearly, there's been a lot of cheating on both sides, 307 00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:45,597 but the point is where do we go from here? 308 00:12:45,665 --> 00:12:46,809 Huh, I don't know. 309 00:12:46,833 --> 00:12:49,200 Sleeping with Jesus just feels wrong. 310 00:12:49,268 --> 00:12:51,948 Doesn't the Bible say not to covet thy neighbor's wife? 311 00:12:51,972 --> 00:12:54,584 Oh, come on, Lois, the Bible's just a bunch of general guidelines. 312 00:12:54,608 --> 00:12:56,285 None of the commandments are written in stone. 313 00:12:56,309 --> 00:12:57,687 You're really okay with this? 314 00:12:57,711 --> 00:12:58,810 Of course. 315 00:12:58,879 --> 00:13:00,912 Look, there really is no downside to this. 316 00:13:00,981 --> 00:13:03,948 It's one of those things that seems bad, but really is good. 317 00:13:04,017 --> 00:13:06,718 Like that fracking company we let drill in the backyard. 318 00:13:08,254 --> 00:13:10,365 Well, I guess it is kind of an honor 319 00:13:10,389 --> 00:13:14,058 that out of all the people in the world, Jesus chose me. 320 00:13:14,126 --> 00:13:15,704 I mean, he could've had anyone. 321 00:13:15,728 --> 00:13:19,530 Elizabeth Perkins, Patricia Richardson, Katey Sagal. 322 00:13:19,599 --> 00:13:20,698 Yeah. 323 00:13:20,767 --> 00:13:22,277 I mean, maybe not them, but somebody else. 324 00:13:22,301 --> 00:13:25,661 And the son of God's first time should be special. 325 00:13:25,705 --> 00:13:27,104 Even divine. 326 00:13:27,173 --> 00:13:29,874 Maybe I'd actually be doing a good thing. 327 00:13:29,943 --> 00:13:31,286 You sure about this, Peter? 328 00:13:31,310 --> 00:13:32,409 You bet. 329 00:13:32,478 --> 00:13:35,412 As sure as I was when I created Lady Gaga. 330 00:13:35,481 --> 00:13:37,426 All right, listen, fella, your game is confusion. 331 00:13:37,450 --> 00:13:38,650 Zip, zam, zoop! 332 00:13:38,718 --> 00:13:41,998 Nobody gets a straight look at nothing. 333 00:13:45,625 --> 00:13:47,592 Boy, this must be killing you. 334 00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:50,294 You're an atheist, and the one guy you don't believe in 335 00:13:50,363 --> 00:13:52,497 is getting to bang the woman of your dreams. 336 00:13:52,565 --> 00:13:54,209 You know what? I don't have to sit here and take this. 337 00:13:54,233 --> 00:13:55,700 I'm out of here. 338 00:13:57,470 --> 00:13:59,704 Can... Can you let me outside? 339 00:14:02,375 --> 00:14:03,375 Hi, Peter. 340 00:14:03,443 --> 00:14:05,154 Well, hello, young man. 341 00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:06,444 Don't you look nice? 342 00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:07,912 She's almost ready. 343 00:14:09,749 --> 00:14:13,884 ♪ There she goes 344 00:14:13,953 --> 00:14:17,621 ♪ There she goes again 345 00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:21,426 ♪ Pulsing through my veins 346 00:14:21,494 --> 00:14:24,695 ♪ And I just can't contain... ♪ 347 00:14:24,764 --> 00:14:28,332 I'm sorry, I was just coming down the stairs at the same time. 348 00:14:32,138 --> 00:14:33,170 Wow, Mom. 349 00:14:33,239 --> 00:14:34,905 You look beautiful. 350 00:14:34,974 --> 00:14:36,685 Well, we know he's circumcised, 351 00:14:36,709 --> 00:14:38,487 so she won't have to deal with that nonsense. 352 00:14:38,511 --> 00:14:40,389 Oh, and don't worry about not hitting bottom. 353 00:14:40,413 --> 00:14:43,414 I've only grazed it once and that was with a running start. 354 00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:49,198 Hey, Jerome, give me another Pawtucket Pat. 355 00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:52,423 I'll take it over here on my Brookstone massage chair. 356 00:14:52,492 --> 00:14:54,036 That's a nice chair, Peter. 357 00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:56,238 Hey, do you think if I let Jesus sleep with Bonnie, 358 00:14:56,262 --> 00:14:58,173 he'd give me back the use of my legs? 359 00:14:58,197 --> 00:14:59,374 Joe, I don't speak for Jesus. 360 00:14:59,398 --> 00:15:00,764 I just get him trim. 361 00:15:00,833 --> 00:15:03,468 Now to take this thing out for a spin. 362 00:15:17,450 --> 00:15:20,985 Ah, time for a relaxing, sponsored daydream. 363 00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:29,093 Oh, Jesus. 364 00:15:29,162 --> 00:15:30,461 Jesus. 365 00:15:30,530 --> 00:15:31,962 Jesus. 366 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,466 God, I love massage chairs. 367 00:15:35,535 --> 00:15:36,601 Are you in one, too? 368 00:15:36,670 --> 00:15:38,169 Yes, but it's horrible. 369 00:15:38,237 --> 00:15:41,150 It was bought for me by Jesus, but now he's doing my wife. 370 00:15:41,174 --> 00:15:43,574 Oh. I'm just trying mine out in the store. 371 00:15:45,045 --> 00:15:46,144 Guys. 372 00:15:46,212 --> 00:15:47,689 I think I might've made a terrible mistake 373 00:15:47,713 --> 00:15:49,225 with this whole Lois and Jesus thing. 374 00:15:49,249 --> 00:15:50,759 I don't blame you, Peter. 375 00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:53,395 I always thought it was sort of a strange choice 376 00:15:53,419 --> 00:15:56,020 to let Jesus have relations with your wife. 377 00:15:56,088 --> 00:15:59,423 I'm sorry, did you say Jesus is sleeping with your wife? 378 00:15:59,492 --> 00:16:02,627 Great, now everybody knows my wife is taking Jesus's virginity. 379 00:16:02,695 --> 00:16:05,029 Listen, pal, Jesus ain't no virgin. 380 00:16:05,097 --> 00:16:07,198 He did the same thing to me last Christmas. 381 00:16:07,267 --> 00:16:08,866 He what? 382 00:16:08,934 --> 00:16:11,602 Yeah, Jesus did the same thing to my wife Christmas before last 383 00:16:11,671 --> 00:16:13,671 and my buddy's wife the year before that. 384 00:16:13,740 --> 00:16:14,972 What the hell? 385 00:16:15,041 --> 00:16:16,340 But he's so lonely. 386 00:16:16,408 --> 00:16:18,743 Nah, he just acts lonely and lies about being a virgin 387 00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:20,611 so he can get with guys' wives. 388 00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:22,691 Did he show you that sad little apartment? 389 00:16:22,715 --> 00:16:24,126 He doesn't really live there. 390 00:16:24,150 --> 00:16:26,762 He just uses it to store art he bought on cruises. 391 00:16:26,786 --> 00:16:28,886 Oh, my God, what have I done? 392 00:16:28,955 --> 00:16:30,166 Peter, maybe there's still time. 393 00:16:30,190 --> 00:16:31,522 Maybe you can stop 'em. 394 00:16:31,591 --> 00:16:33,268 Where are they? They're at the Barrington Hotel. 395 00:16:33,292 --> 00:16:34,292 Let's go, guys. 396 00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:36,861 I just ordered nachos, but good luck, Peter. 397 00:16:36,930 --> 00:16:40,531 Now for a slippy, no-boots run through the snow to my car. 398 00:16:54,714 --> 00:16:57,982 Aw, crap! I just pulled a thousand muscles. 399 00:17:12,766 --> 00:17:14,042 Ow! That was a loud crack. 400 00:17:14,066 --> 00:17:15,778 Ah, yeah, that was all bone. 401 00:17:15,802 --> 00:17:17,813 Oh! Aw! Son of a whore. 402 00:17:17,837 --> 00:17:20,082 Oh, this is bad. This is real bad. 403 00:17:20,106 --> 00:17:22,506 I'm not gonna go to the doctor, though. 404 00:17:23,609 --> 00:17:25,729 Damn it. 405 00:17:28,981 --> 00:17:30,459 Get out! I need this car. 406 00:17:30,483 --> 00:17:32,094 What are you, a cop? No. 407 00:17:32,118 --> 00:17:34,352 Jesus is about to have sex with my wife. 408 00:17:34,420 --> 00:17:36,721 Oh, then here, take it. 409 00:17:36,789 --> 00:17:37,988 Get out, I need this car. 410 00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:39,357 So do I. 411 00:17:39,425 --> 00:17:41,470 Jesus Christ is about to have sex with my wife. 412 00:17:41,494 --> 00:17:43,961 Lenny Kravitz is about to have sex with my daughter. 413 00:17:44,029 --> 00:17:45,396 Oh! Oh, my God. 414 00:17:45,465 --> 00:17:48,733 Here, take the car, take the car. 415 00:17:48,801 --> 00:17:49,911 Get out of here. What are you doing? 416 00:17:49,935 --> 00:17:51,302 Go, go, go. 417 00:17:52,805 --> 00:17:54,350 Hey, kid, I need that toboggan. 418 00:17:54,374 --> 00:17:56,752 Jesus Christ is gonna have sex with my wife. 419 00:17:56,776 --> 00:17:58,476 Um, okay. 420 00:17:58,545 --> 00:18:00,356 And I need your little hat. 421 00:18:00,380 --> 00:18:03,013 And those Spider-Man mittens, I'll need those, too. 422 00:18:03,083 --> 00:18:04,427 And what's in your pockets? 423 00:18:04,451 --> 00:18:07,285 A rabbit's foot, a penknife, a bottle cap, a compass... 424 00:18:07,353 --> 00:18:09,513 All of it, all of it. 425 00:18:20,466 --> 00:18:22,533 Aw, crap, I'm out of hill. 426 00:18:26,005 --> 00:18:27,205 You there! Boy. 427 00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:28,516 What does that sign say? 428 00:18:28,540 --> 00:18:30,440 I ain't much for book reading, sir. 429 00:18:30,509 --> 00:18:33,010 But I seen our Lord and Savior bring a lady in there 430 00:18:33,079 --> 00:18:35,112 for a Christmas rogering, I did. 431 00:18:35,181 --> 00:18:37,462 You're a good boy. Here's a goose. 432 00:18:40,586 --> 00:18:41,786 What room is Jesus in? 433 00:18:41,854 --> 00:18:43,432 What room is Lenny Kravitz in? 434 00:18:43,456 --> 00:18:45,723 Aw, you were coming here, too? We could've carpooled. 435 00:18:47,827 --> 00:18:49,427 Lois! Lois! 436 00:18:50,296 --> 00:18:51,473 You son of a bitch. 437 00:18:51,497 --> 00:18:53,242 What have you done to my marriage? 438 00:18:53,266 --> 00:18:54,632 Peter? 439 00:18:54,700 --> 00:18:56,000 Lois, don't do this. 440 00:18:56,068 --> 00:18:58,669 I think I had, like, a Christmas miracle. 441 00:18:58,738 --> 00:19:02,540 I realized I don't want other people humping my wife for a chair. 442 00:19:02,608 --> 00:19:03,674 It's okay, Peter. 443 00:19:03,743 --> 00:19:05,042 Nothing happened. 444 00:19:05,110 --> 00:19:06,154 It didn't? 445 00:19:06,178 --> 00:19:08,145 No, I couldn't sleep with him. 446 00:19:08,213 --> 00:19:09,747 Not that I wasn't tempted. 447 00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:12,616 He put actual strawberries in a glass of champagne, 448 00:19:12,685 --> 00:19:16,219 which was about the classiest, sexiest thing I'd ever seen. 449 00:19:16,288 --> 00:19:19,089 But... I couldn't go through with it. 450 00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:21,592 Our marriage is too important to me. 451 00:19:24,496 --> 00:19:26,130 I love you, Lois. 452 00:19:26,199 --> 00:19:28,899 I don't know what I was thinking. 453 00:19:28,968 --> 00:19:29,968 But you. 454 00:19:30,036 --> 00:19:31,836 You're a liar, Jesus. 455 00:19:32,872 --> 00:19:35,306 Bravo, Peter, Lois. 456 00:19:35,374 --> 00:19:38,242 Seems like you folks learned the lesson I intended. 457 00:19:38,311 --> 00:19:40,010 What lesson? 458 00:19:40,079 --> 00:19:46,951 Oh, you know, uh, that, uh, this holiest of days is about appreciating 459 00:19:47,019 --> 00:19:52,056 our loved ones and, uh, resisting temptation. 460 00:19:52,124 --> 00:19:54,202 Oh, so it was a test. 461 00:19:54,226 --> 00:19:57,406 Like when your father told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac? 462 00:19:57,430 --> 00:19:58,596 Yes, that. 463 00:19:58,665 --> 00:20:00,364 That's exactly right. 464 00:20:00,433 --> 00:20:02,767 Uh, well, I can see my work here is done. 465 00:20:02,835 --> 00:20:04,435 Well taught, Jesus. 466 00:20:04,503 --> 00:20:05,503 Well taught. 467 00:20:05,572 --> 00:20:06,871 Yeah, I guess. Who cares? 468 00:20:06,940 --> 00:20:08,673 I'm not even real. Merry Christmas. 469 00:20:15,181 --> 00:20:18,482 Well, Lois, I'm sure glad you didn't have sex with the Messiah. 470 00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:19,816 Me, too, Peter. 471 00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:22,219 Now let's open your presents, kids. 472 00:20:22,288 --> 00:20:24,388 Oh, Rupert, you're such a sneak. 473 00:20:24,457 --> 00:20:25,956 I wonder what it is. 474 00:20:27,994 --> 00:20:29,026 Oh. 475 00:20:29,095 --> 00:20:31,228 A Joni Mitchell CD. 476 00:20:31,297 --> 00:20:34,465 "To continue your emotional education." 477 00:20:34,534 --> 00:20:35,777 That's great. 478 00:20:35,801 --> 00:20:37,001 That's really great. 479 00:20:37,070 --> 00:20:40,137 Could you excuse me for just one moment? 480 00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:43,118 ♪ I've looked at clouds from both sides now... ♪ 481 00:20:43,142 --> 00:20:45,476 Who did he buy the necklace for? 482 00:20:47,614 --> 00:20:50,715 I'm gonna let that teddy bear go all the way.